Decembers
by Grendolen
Summary: After Edward leaves. It doesn't have much of a point. I was in a mood. Songfic Decembers by Hawthorne Heights


Author's Note :: So I felt like writing this because I'm in an angsty mood…this is based off of how Bella feels once Edward has left her. What's going through her mind during those months when she did nothing but mope. It doesn't really have any point to it at all, but I'm in a mood. : So read and review please. And It's a songfic, so, yeah.

I don't own Twilight or New Moon, or this song by Hawthorne Heights. So. Boo at me.

Decembers 

**Let's try to remember **

**These days back in December**

**Our lives were very different, I was lonely when we first met**

**A small upstairs apartment**

**Driving through the darkness**

**To get back home, before they knew you were even gone**

I was sluggish, I didn't feel like doing anything. It had been a few weeks since he'd been gone. Everyone knew what was wrong with me, but they didn't want to mention it to me. People were afraid that I was on that point of breaking. And I was sure that I was on that point as well. I didn't eat much, it was obvious that I was a little bit skinnier than I ever was. Which was a bit scary.

I wished every time I woke up in the morning that I'd roll over and see him there smiling at me, but it never happened. As much as I wanted it to. I don't see how he thought it'd be so easy for me to forget him, because that was near impossible. I couldn't forget…I wouldn't.

It was a school day, but I didn't feel like dragging myself out of the bed to go there right now. However I knew Chief Swan would be at the door soon to check on me if I didn't make an appearance downstairs before he left for work. I pulled myself up and made it out of bed, changing clothes with not much of a care of what I wore and running a brush through my hair. I got the morning routine down, brushing my teeth and everything. And I was done as far as I was concerned, and I was downstairs in no time. I knew I had no expression on my face, and the dad wouldn't be very approving of it.

He kept telling me to get over it, to get up and go be with my friends. I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. I just wanted to pass this year in high school and move on in the same manner that I already was. This seemed fine to me. Sure, I didn't sleep well at night, I woke up screaming and in the morning my throat was raw. But that was fine, I was used to it. And it'd only been three weeks since he was gone. How much longer would I be doing this? I was sure I'd be putting myself down in some hole and just die eventually. We all do, I would just go a different way.

Soon I was alone in the house to go to school on my own. No nice car to come pick me up in the morning, just an old truck with a bad rumble to it to take me. I dreaded the day. I just wanted to be home again and do my schoolwork, and then go to bed. There was no harm in that, right?

You don't have to speak, because I can hear your heartbeat 

**Fluttering like butterflies**

**Searching for a drink**

**You don't have to cover up, how you feel when you're in love**

**I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think**

I was home. Finally. The whole day was a blur to me and I was happy to find the quiet kitchen once I opened the door. I stood there staring at the phone for the longest time, as if willing it to ring. I wanted it to ring, for it to be him. His voice, saying anything to me. That's all I wanted.

After nearly seven minutes, I gave in and went up to my bedroom. Skipping an afternoon snack, I got to work on my homework at my computer desk. It was quiet, I liked it a lot that way lately. I didn't want the loud noises of TV or radio, it hurt my head. All I wanted was peace to get all the homework I had done, so I could take a shower and then curl up in bed to sleep. Or attempt to sleep anyway.

English and math homework was done in a flash, it was all so easy here. Almost too easy, I needed the challenge to keep me busy, keep my mind busy. However it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. I trudged down the stairs to fix dinner, my mind wasn't even on the food any of the time. I just watched my hands go to work. And when everything was all done, I set it out on the kitchen table. The Chief would be home in about five minutes, so dinner wouldn't get cold. I cleaned up the kitchen and I heard the door open, I turned my head with a curious look in my eyes. Disappointment crossed my face I was sure.

"Afternoon, Bells." He said and I turned my attention back to cleaning, I didn't feel like talking. "Thanks for cooking."

He said that all the time, wasn't he used to it by now?

"You're welcome…well, I'm going to take a shower and turn in. Long day." I was trying to get out of there fast, to avoid the 'at the table' conversation. Small talk, annoying things to me now.

"Hold on, aren't you going to eat?" He asked me and I merely shook my head at him, heading up the stairs before he had any protests.

**Please slow down, girl.**

**We're moving way too fast for their world.**

**We've gotta make this last.**

**I know it hurts, to feel so all alone.**

**I'm by myself, more than you could know.**

I found the warm shower in no time and was there to wash away all thoughts of today. Even though I'd be in pajamas and back in bed to think about it even more. I tried to concentrate on other things while I lathered my hair in shampoo. Let's see. Today someone at the lunch table said something about going to see a movie, I think I may have been invited. I think I had turned it down…I couldn't really remember it. Like I said, everything was a blur to me today. But it always was. I didn't have anything to live for except for my schoolwork, and that was enough to keep me alive.

He'd told me not to do anything stupid. I'd considered it a few times…only a few. I wanted to do what he told me, but sometimes it got so hard that I didn't want to. I wanted to challenge his commands. But I couldn't do that. Maybe someday, when all of this was blown over and I wasn't reminded of him so much.

After another ten minutes of soaking in the shower I stepped out and wrapped a towel around myself, looking at myself in the mirror. Was I even the same person? I'd never seen this look in my eyes…it was odd. I looked sad, upset, and lonely. This was new for me. I didn't feel like this often.

I found my warm pajamas after I had dried my hair and brushed it carefully. Soon I was tiptoeing across the hallway to get to my bedroom without being heard. I didn't want go through a series of 'goodnights' right now. Or ever again for a while.

I shut the door quietly and went to my bed, slipping beneath the blankets and shutting my eyes. Sleep took forever to take me. Some people used sleep to escape life, but it didn't work that way for me. I usually found myself dreaming of Edward or something horrible, which wasn't my cup of tea. However, before I knew it, the sleep consumed me again. Like it did every night.

I woke up screaming. It wasn't unusual. I was sitting straight up in bed, hair slightly sweaty from whatever dream I'd had. Tears stained the corners of my eyes. I hated this. I couldn't even sleep peacefully. It was horrible. I needed drugs to keep me asleep. But I'm sure not even that would stop my screams.

I miss you so much 

**A Self-inflicted coma**

**The days drag on like marathons,**

**I'm running with bare feet,**

**And when I feel the stress, I'm lonely and depressed.**

**I picture you in the dress**

**You wore four weeks ago**

This wasn't going to be easy. Nothing was easy. I loved Edward. He was my reason for waking up in the morning. Sometimes when I woke up, he was there in the morning and that's something I loved about him. I felt like he was with me now, if only he really was. I needed him like some patients need their oxygen tanks, but he didn't believe that. He left me. And that hurt.

**If only they were all alone**

**They were all alone.**

The song kinda fits, and I know all it had to do with was Bella whining and complaining. But if you don't like it, then tough. : Review, lovlies.


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